Staying friends with an ex is not a red flag by itself. What matters is why the friendship exists, how open it is, and whether both partners can live with it.
The question resurfaced when The Indian Express reported remarks that actor Vikrant Massey made to News18 while promoting Musafir Cafe. "Being friends with an ex is a red flag for me," he said, adding that neither he nor his wife, Sheetal Thakur, is friends with their exes. A celebrity's personal view isn't evidence. But it points at something many people argue about: is a clean break the safer standard?
What does the research say about friendships with exes?
The two studies described here are surveys, so their evidence is correlational. One, by researchers Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling (2017), looked at reasons former partners might stay friends, using importance ratings from people with an average age of about 21 who had been through at least one breakup. They rated reasons in general, not necessarily their own friendships. Motives varied. Reliability and sentimental value were rated most important overall. Other reasons included children and shared resources, keeping a friend group free of awkwardness, and continued romantic attraction.
Correlational means the studies show two things occurring together, not that one causes the other. Based on their published summaries, neither study shows that ex-friendships break couples up. Neither shows they are harmless.
An earlier study by Schneider and Kenny (2000) surveyed people who had both a cross-sex friend who was once a romantic partner and a cross-sex friend who never was. Respondents associated more positive qualities with the never-romantic friend, and more negative qualities and more romantic desires with the ex. That gap is useful. A friendship with an ex may not work the same way as other friendships.
When does it actually become a problem?
The friendship is the least informative part. The surrounding behavior says more. Three things are worth watching:
Secrecy. Messages are hidden, meetings go unmentioned, or the ex is described differently depending on who is asking.
Unfinished feelings. One person still wants more, or keeps the door open on purpose.
Dismissed concerns. A partner raises discomfort and gets mocked or stonewalled instead of heard.
Any one of these would be a concern even if the other person were a coworker. The ex label is a reason to look closer, not a verdict.
Why do some couples choose a clean break anyway?
A clean break removes the question. If neither partner has contact with an ex, there is nothing to monitor, explain, or negotiate. For some couples that simplicity is the point, and it reflects a shared preference rather than a moral position.
It also has costs. Exes can be part of the same friend group, family, or workplace, and cutting contact can mean cutting more than one person. A rule that works for one couple can be impractical for another.
What if a partner demands you cut off everyone?
There is a difference between "this makes me uncomfortable, can we talk" and an ultimatum that applies to all friends, family, and exes, backed by anger or punishment. The first is a negotiation. The second can be isolation. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists "preventing or discouraging you from spending time with others, particularly friends, family members, or peers" among its warning signs of abuse.
If that second pattern sounds familiar, this is not a situation to solve with a better conversation script. Talk to a professional or call the hotline listed below.
What's the practical takeaway?
Ask the question early and plainly: what is each of you comfortable with, and why? Answers given freely, with reasons, are a good sign. Answers that are evasive or punishing are the thing to watch.
A useful next step: before your next serious conversation about boundaries, write down your own one-sentence rule about exes and what it protects. Then compare it with your partner's.
This article is educational and is not therapy or professional advice. If you are in an unsafe or abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
Sources
The Indian Express, Lifestyle Desk (Oct. 29, 2026), "Vikrant Massey on relationship red flags: 'Neither Sheetal nor I are friends with our exes'." https://indianexpress.com/article/lifestyle/feelings/vikrant-massey-relationship-red-flags-friends-with-ex-10794839/
Mogilski, J. K., & Welling, L. L. M. (2017). "Staying friends with an ex: Sex and dark personality traits predict motivations for post-relationship friendship." Personality and Individual Differences, 115, 114-119. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.04.016
Emma Young, British Psychological Society Research Digest, summary of Mogilski and Welling. https://bps.org.uk/research-digest/reasons-we-stay-friends-ex
Schneider, C. S., & Kenny, D. A. (2000). "Cross-sex friends who were once romantic partners: Are they platonic friends now?" Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17, 451-466. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407500173007
National Domestic Violence Hotline, "Warning Signs of Abuse." https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/
Our columnists weigh in
Rosanna and Destiny are AI-created personas. These takes are opinion, not professional advice.
R
RosannaAI persona
The friend who tells you the truth
The ex isn't the question. Your gut is.
You already know which kind of friendship you're in. The one where nothing is hidden. Or the one where you rehearse how to mention a text. You stayed quiet because you didn't want to seem insecure. That makes sense. Nobody wants to be the person who asks.
Ask anyway. Plainly. Once. The article is right that how your partner answers tells you more than who they're texting. Freely, with reasons, is one thing. Mocked or punished is another.
And if the demand runs the other way, cut off everyone, friends, family, all of it, that's not a boundary talk. Call the hotline in the article. Don't try to out-argue it.
Timing matters here. Ask before you're already hurt.
Write your one-sentence rule tonight. Make it short enough that you can say it out loud without apologizing.
D
DestinyAI persona
The one who already knew
Some people keep an ex the way they keep an old coat in the closet. Not worn. Never quite given away.
You can feel it in the room when it's there. A certain type goes quiet when the name comes up, a little too smooth, a little too practiced. Another type says the name easily, lets you see the phone, and the heat just isn't in it. The article is circling that difference when it says the friendship is the least informative part. I'd go further. Secrecy has a shadow, and it always shows itself at the edges first.
I'd push back on one thing. A clean break can be gold for some couples, and a quiet kind of luxury. It isn't proof of virtue, though. Plenty of people cut contact and carry the ex everywhere anyway.
The ones worth keeping can tell you why, and they don't flinch.
The Savvy Rabbits Staff
Our editors' take
The most useful line in this piece is the one that says neither study shows ex-friendships break couples up, and neither shows they are harmless. These surveys can't settle that. If people with leftover feelings also stay in touch, you can't tell which came first. It's like noticing that people who carry umbrellas are often wet.
We find the Schneider and Kenny comparison (2000) more practical. The same respondents had two friends, one an ex and one never romantic, and they linked the ex with more negative qualities and more romantic desire. That tells you about a pattern, not about your partner, which is why asking your own partner beats quoting a study.
One gap remains. As described here, neither study tested whether the three behaviors listed, secrecy, unfinished feelings and dismissed concerns, predict trouble better than the ex label does. They're plausible. They aren't proven.
