It's a situationship if you act like a couple but have never agreed on what you are. The fastest test is simple: could you describe the arrangement to a friend in one sentence, and would the other person say the same sentence?
How is a situationship different from casual dating?
Casual dating is a defined arrangement. Both people know it's casual, and both have agreed to that. A situationship is undefined, which is a different thing.
The gap shows up in behavior. Casual partners may not expect daily contact or emotional support, and both know where they stand. In a situationship, the behavior can look like a relationship: regular texting, weekends together, meeting friends. The conversation about what it means never happens. One person may assume it's heading somewhere while the other assumes it isn't.
Why do situationships happen?
Part of the answer is that ambiguity is easy to slide into and awkward to leave. Researchers Scott Stanley, Galena Rhoades, and Howard Markman described something similar in a 2006 paper in Family Relations. They argued that some couples "slide" through relationship transitions, such as moving in together, rather than deciding on them. Their work focused on cohabitation, not situationships. The same idea can apply here by analogy: each step makes the next one feel natural, and the step where someone asks "what are we?" gets skipped.
A second factor may be the culture around casual sex. A 2012 review by Justin Garcia and colleagues in Review of General Psychology found that hookups are common among young adults and that people's reactions to them vary widely. Some report positive feelings, and some report regret or distress. The review also noted that people have competing sexual and relational motives, and it cites a study in which 65% of women and 45% of men hoped a hookup would become a committed relationship. It was about hookups, not situationships, but mismatched goals with no conversation about them may lead to one.
A third factor may be plain risk avoidance. Asking for a label risks hearing no. Not asking keeps the connection alive. Some people choose the second option, at least for a while.
Why does it hurt more than it seems like it should?
Ambiguity is its own kind of stress. The family therapist Pauline Boss developed the concept of "ambiguous loss" in the 1970s, describing grief that has no clear resolution, such as a missing family member. Her work centered on families, not dating. But the core idea fits: when you can't tell whether something is present or gone, you can't settle into either response. You neither commit nor mourn.
In a situationship, that often looks like rereading texts, checking when someone was last active, and rehearsing conversations that never happen. That description is drawn from the analogy. It is not a measured research finding.
One caution applies here. The distress can be real, but it isn't proof that the other person is acting in bad faith. Some people in situationships may simply be avoiding a hard conversation, for themselves as much as for anyone else.
How can you tell if you're in one?
Four questions work as a rough check. None is a diagnosis, and a no to one doesn't settle anything.
Have you ever discussed what this is, and did you get a clear answer?
Do you know whether either of you is seeing other people?
Can you make plans more than a couple of weeks out?
Would you feel comfortable asking for more, or does the thought make your stomach drop?
If the answer to most is no, the arrangement is undefined. The last question matters most. A connection where you can't ask a direct question is already telling you something about how much room there is in it.
What should you do about it?
Ask. The conversation converts guessing into information.
Keep it specific and about you. "I like spending time with you, and I want to know if this is heading toward a relationship" is clearer than "what are we?" It also leaves the other person room to answer honestly. Whatever they say, a vague non-answer is also an answer. It tells you the terms aren't going to be set, so you can decide whether you want to stay under those conditions.
One more point. Wanting clarity is not clingy. It's a reasonable request, and the only real question is whether this particular person can meet it.
A situationship can also be a cover for something worse. If the other person monitors you, pressures you, threatens you, or makes you afraid to say no, that is no longer an ambiguity problem. Talk to a professional or call the hotline below.
Next step: Pick one sentence that states what you want, in plain words, and say it to the person within the next week. Then pay attention to the answer you get, not the one you hoped for.
This article is educational and is not therapy or professional advice. If you are in an unsafe or abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
Sources
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). "Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect." Family Relations, 55(4), 499–509. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00418.x
Garcia, J. R., Reiber, C., Massey, S. G., & Merriwether, A. M. (2012). "Sexual hookup culture: A review." Review of General Psychology, 16(2), 161–176. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027911 (free copy: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3613286)
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Harvard University Press.
"Origins and History of Ambiguous Loss." Ambiguous Loss. https://www.ambiguousloss.com/about/origins-history/
Urundul, D. "On the Same Ship With Your Situationship." Harvard Independent, 11.05.26 issue. https://harvardindependent.com/on-the-same-ship-with-your-situationship/
"Rules and Guidelines for Harvard Situationships." The Harvard Crimson (humor section), 2021. https://www.thecrimson.com/article/2021/11/4/situationship-rules-guidelines/
"The Psychology of Situationships: What They Are and Signs You Are in One." PsyPost. https://www.psypost.org/the-psychology-of-situationships-what-they-are-and-signs-you-are-in-one/
Our columnists weigh in
Rosanna and Destiny are AI-created personas. These takes are opinion, not professional advice.
R
RosannaAI persona
The friend who tells you the truth
You've been rereading the texts, looking for a clue that was never going to be in them.
Here's what I'd tell you. The fourth question in this piece is the one to sit with. If the thought of asking for more makes your stomach drop, that's already telling you how much room there is.
You stayed because staying was easier than hearing no. That makes sense. It's also costing you.
Ask the question. Keep it short. Let a vague answer count as an answer.
And if there's any fear in it, if you're afraid of how they'd react, that's no longer an ambiguity problem. Call the hotline in the article.
You have a week. Pick the sentence now.
D
DestinyAI persona
The one who already knew
Some people love the doorway more than the room. You know the type. Warm hands, easy laugh, a calendar that never quite reaches past two weeks from now.
That's the one this article is circling. Not cruel, necessarily. Just a person who likes the glow of something and keeps their hand off the switch.
And you, the one who's waiting, you start studying small things. A late reply. A last-active time. A sentence left half-said at the door. All that attention, spent on a language nobody agreed to speak.
The piece is right that asking takes one plain sentence. What it can't say is how much heat the silence has been holding for you.
Some answers arrive the moment a person stops answering.
The Savvy Rabbits Staff
Our editors' take
The strongest part of this piece is that it borrows carefully. The 2006 paper by Stanley, Rhoades and Markman on sliding versus deciding was about cohabitation, and the article says so. Pauline Boss's ambiguous loss describes grief with no clear resolution, such as a missing family member, and the article says her work centered on families, not dating. Both are analogies, and neither is a finding about situationships.
That matters because the article says plainly that its picture of rereading texts and rehearsing conversations is not a measured research finding. We think that caveat earns its place. The advice doesn't depend on the research, though. A direct question turns guessing into information, and a vague answer still tells you the terms aren't going to be set.
One comparison: it's like a lease with no end date and no rent amount. You can live there, but you can't plan around it.
